Listen more than you talk.
Have three key questions in your pocket.
Start with WHAT questions, not DO YOU KNOW questions. Open ended questions are conversation starters. Yes/no questions can keep a conversation from taking place!
Make sure one question serves your needs. For example, if you are curious about working in tech, ask who someone thinks is doing exciting/interesting work in the field. If you are exploring working as a project manager, ask what skills are most valuable. If you are making a career transition, ask how the person got into the work they’re doing now and what helped them get in the door.
Ask questions that come from a place of genuine interest. Don’t interrogate. Don’t overwhelm.
In the beginning, be interested in who they are, not what they do.
Notice when someone is animated and enthusiastic.
Notice when someone looks thoughtful or pensive. Networking can have depth and vitality, it isn’t served by superficial chatter.
Be curious about what gets someone up in the morning.
Pay attention to what motivates and inspires them.
Listen – with your whole self (your eyes, ears and senses) – to how they are and adjust accordingly. If you note discomfort or shyness or distance, soften your body, speak a bit more softly, slow down and breathe. Give the person a little space and time. If you feel intensity and high energy, sigh to make a little space for the other person. Then, lift your chin, sharpen your gaze, and stand a bit taller. Let the alpha dog know you are present.
Test your body language. Are you soft and open? Are you hard and constricted? Are you breathing? Imagine yourself in a dance of structure and fluidity. Be tall and vertical. Be open in mind and heart, with a soft gaze and gentle smile.
Think about what makes you feel more at ease. Do you like to be acknowledged? Does it help when someone mirrors what you’ve said showing that they’ve been listening to you? Does it help when someone smiles at you? Communicate the way you want to be communicated with.
Place and home are grounding cords. Most of us are interested in where you’ve been and where you come from. Ask where people have lived, where they’ve most felt at home, what workplace has been the best fit. Ask what they’re looking for in their next move and what has helped them get situated.
Remember that a person is not a resume. Be interested in what skills someone likes to use, what interests have motivated their career decisions, and where they’d like to grow. Don’t ask for a work history unless it’s been offered.
If you’re nervous, go with a friend so you have someone safe to talk to. It helps to have a warm up before you jump into talking to a stranger.
If you’re not ready to delve into a conversation, go to an event with a speaker. It can be easier to break the ice by talking with people about the event than by talking about yourself.
And, remember that all of us are interesting when given a friendly audience and a good question or two to answer. So practice your questions and your “I’m interested in getting to know you” posture!