Fear doesn’t show up only when there are ghosts or goblins.
A job seeker wrote me recently asking, “How do I stay grounded / centered / OPEN even when a (part of me) determines it is NOT safe?”
That’s a very important question!
There are times when we do not feel safe, when fear comes up, when we get spooked. Like job interviews, exams, salary negotiations, meeting people for the first time, being put on the spot, talking in front of a group, or feeling scrutinized.
Being spooked is a useful analogy for the kind of fear you can have when you’re scared on the inside although there is not a real (physical) threat on the outside. The fear is inside you. You feel it in your body and your nervous system. It happens in an instant, and it wreaks havoc with your brain and your ability to think and speak!
What better time than Halloween to write about this kind of fear. Moving the analogy forward, many of us think we have to mask our fear or wear a costume rather than being okay being seen in our fear or distress. I’m going to offer some alternatives to wearing a costume or getting taken over by fear.
What happens when you’re spooked?
Do you experience Invasion of the Body Snatchers? Your physical body is still there but you’ve disappeared. You forget what you know, you stop breathing and your brain go blank. Maybe you can’t speak. Maybe you can’t write or remember how to solve a problem. You are having an out of body experience. You’ve been snatched.
Do you experience Vampire energy? Do you get overeager, anxious, talking fast, looking for an opening? Some of us grow big and fierce. We get louder and animated. Our physical impact can be almost overwhelming. This sounds funny but we get frightful when we get frightened.
Do you vacillate between wanting to attack and vaporizing? Think Wicked Witch of the West. If this is you, you come on strong, but fade out very quickly (you melt away). Many of us are wicked witches. We stand in our strength but can’t land there. The doubt and fear gremlins, perhaps those that say you must be nice to be hired, are like a bucket of cold water raining on your parade. They yank you back so that you can’t brag with confidence or think straight when you know you know the answer!
The bottom line is that some part of you does not feel safe, hence an immediate fear reaction. Fight, flight or freeze comes in different varieties. Fight tends to be bravado- being louder and bigger and cockier than is true. Flight is all the behaviors and postures that diminish us: from speaking softly and looking away to filler words to rambling. And, freeze means not breathing which leads to not thinking which leads to panicking.
Here is my ghostbusting advice:
Remember that it’s only a part of you that is afraid! I often tell my clients not to take the frightened or doubting self to an interview. Let her stay home! Ask the part of you that is most accomplished to take the lead role. Know that part inside and out.
Know that you have a HEAD, HEART, BODY and SPIRIT. In any situation where you might get spooked, let your body be your foundation and your support. Feel it, breathe, and stay connected to your body and breath.
Practice being in your body to prepare for high stakes experiences. Rather than an unconscious habit that takes over when you’re scared, develop a small routine to get grounded, centered and to then speak or answer a question. If you want to be able to respond (and not react) in the moment, you have to develop new somatic patterns and repeat them hundreds of times!
Practice feeling safe and supported. That means speaking in front of someone who loves you. That means snuggling among pillows when you are studying. That means asking for a hug when you are telling a story about an accomplishment. That means listening to soothing music.
Learn to feel the fear and let it go. Feel it in your body. Shake it off. Just as repeating a nervous pattern reinforces the cycle, learning to actually SHAKE IT OFF even going so far as to SHOUT “go away” can help to move your energy and let you move on. Say out loud- let me do this on my own. And then get down to business.
Wake the tiger! For those of us who are quiet, timid, accommodating, deferring… we need to call on a fierce and authentic part of ourselves. I have an inner tiger and I know you do too. She absolutely does not want someone else to steal her parking space or hurt people she loves. She is deeply committed to doing her work in the world. Play with calling on the energy of your inner tiger (or lion or dragon).
Be prepared. If you want to be sure that you are thinking clearly, make notes with the ESSENTIAL information and talking points. This means the bottom line, key points, what you know you will need to draw on, what you want to be sure others remember
You’ve heard about the power pose and the power suit. What they both have in common is attending to the BODY. I don’t believe you need to wear clothes that aren’t your style. I know, however, that you need to involve your body in your preparation and presentation.
When there is the possibility of being spooked, attend to your body first. Your brain will be re-engaged after you have had some oxygen and water, a few hugs, a solid seat and reminder to connect to something outside yourself. Putting your hands on your legs and giving them a little squeeze. Oxygen mask, not a Halloween mask!
This Halloween, give yourself the treat of a hug and one small body-based practice that’s your warm up for your next interview or networking appointment or exam or presentation or cold call! It can be as simple as wiping down your body and shaking off fear, then walking into the room, deliberately placing each foot on the floor and saying Yes! I have arrived!