There are many things that we may mourn from this time of pandemic. On a personal and professional level, I feel deep sorrow at the way communication has changed. I notice that I listen less well to others. Many conversations are framed and limited by zoom boxes and zoom schedules, others are distorted because just one person can speak at a time.
I miss the full experience of communicating in person. I want to see the whole person. I want to be fully present without the lure of text or distraction of my home environment. I long for the subtle, often exciting additions of body language and energy and spontaneity.
I pride myself in being a deep listener, listening not only to words and gestures but to my intuition, the inner compass that prompts me to lean in or give a hug or slow things down to make space for what is unsaid and important.
I am longing for opportunities to listen deeply and well.
In turn, I want to know that others are listening deeply and well to me.
I want to know that I have been heard.
Don’t you?
I notice people interrupt more often these days. Do we talk over each other because we are excited to connect? Is it because time is limited? Is it because we have grown used to monologue-ing and the necessity of getting the zoom microphone? Are we more impatient? Have we stopped attending to listening? Whatever the reasons, interruptions don’t feel good.
I want to feel complete after I speak. I want to know that you heard me and that you took in what was really important. That you got it. That you got me.
Don’t you?
I also deeply believe in the value of really listening to ourselves. For years, I have taught others how to sharpen their interview skills. Yes, these workshops offer techniques to craft great interview stories. They offer a forum to practice and polish, to learn how to be more concise and coherent. Equally or perhaps more important, we focus on delivery. Using the body, gestures, facial expressions, noticing the impact of our energy and mood. When people learn to speak from a place of genuine enthusiasm or get comfortable boasting and being seen, a body-based feedback loop gets developed. The heart and gut tell your brain that you are okay, that you are safe, that you can trust yourself and trust another. You can breathe and stay grounded when speaking. You relax. You don’t freeze and contract. You get better at telling your story because you are developing your inner witness.
I believe in whole body speaking, and listening. I know that I am a better speaker if I stand up and use my whole self to relate to my audience. I know that better interviewees convey their confidence, enthusiasm, ease and relatability by being articulate, grounded and energized. By listening to their bodies and their heartfelt truths as they speak. By being fully present.
When it comes to communicating, there are two words that have been trending. Engaging and Empathy.
We want to engage others. We want to draw them in and get them interested. Not just hooking them by being clever but touching and inspiring and influencing others. Getting them interested. Connecting with energy.
We want empathy. We want to show our humanness, our shared frailty, our commonality. We want to be felt. We want to move and be moved. Isn’t that about connecting on a deeper, more meaningful level? Isn’t that speaking beyond the limited frame of a box or perfect structure? To be more real, maybe even vulnerable, less fake.
Listening is a radical act of empathy.
Listening to ourselves. Listening to others.
Listening deeply and well.
It’s time to listen with our whole selves, to slow down, breathe and experience each other. More connection. Better speaking. More relating. More felt responses and engagement.
Let’s close the distance between us.