Giving is all very well and good, as is knowing your self-worth and carrying yourself with dignity.
There is another extremely important part of the equation of ACTUALIZING SELF-WORTH.
That’s RECEIVING.
RECEIVING WORDS OF APPRECIATION
BEING ACKNOWLEDGED
BEING HONORED
GETTING PROMOTIONS, JOB OFFERS, GREAT SALARIES
FEELING YOUR SUBSTANCE
GETTING BIG
The way that we really know our value is in our ability to stand for ourselves and say what is true, to be able to let ourselves be seen and heard, and to drink in the acknowledgment from another. That acknowledgement and recognition comes in soft forms like thank you’s and compliments. It also comes in tangible forms- cold hard cash, great salaries and competitive compensation, promotions and job offers.
Often, we can’t really take in and own the thank you, the job offer, the attention.
This is a version of the imposter syndrome that has to do with not being comfortable being praised and recognized. We are almost victims of the belief that it is “better to give than to receive.” Giving is honorable and altruistic, including giving of our skills, smarts and insights. Receiving is shallow and selfish. I can’t have that. I don’t deserve that. I will take up too much space, I will get puffed up and proud. I will lose my integrity. It’ll go to my head!
What happens for you when you stand in the light of appreciation, acknowledgment, recognition for a job well done, a job offer, a client saying she wants to work with you, someone telling you they value your thoughts and words?
Do you shrink like a violet or bloom like a rose?! Do you get invisible or more visible?
When it comes to receiving, I notice that I want to brush off the words and move onto another subject. I don’t really want the attention on me. I get a testimonial. I love hearing how I have helped someone. However, I don’t dwell in the space of receiving, savoring, letting the words simmer, feeling their impact. I don’t stay in that sunshine. I’m a giver more than a receiver.
That means I have work to do to know just how big an impact my giving has.
That’s why I am emphasizing RECEIVING and why I’m suggesting you do the same.
Here are some ways you can work with your comfort around receiving:
Ask someone to give you feedback about what they have learned from you or how they feel you have made a difference. As you listen, breathe and close your eyes. When they’re done, say thank you and sit in silence for a few minutes. Notice what happens for you. Comfort? Discomfort? A deepening in knowing what you give?
Another approach is to work on hearing THANK YOU. Each time you hear someone thank you for what you have given, simply notice how it feels to be with those words and that sentiment. Make it a practice to trust the thank you is genuine and to feel it in your bones.
You can go deeper with receiving by focusing on what gets you uncomfortable. Is it getting paid a certain rate? Is it getting a testimonial? Is it being told you did a great job, that you were the best, that you stood out? Is it hearing feedback? Choose the thing that makes you squirm and talk to yourself: Thank you, Laura for nailing that interview. Laura, I’m ready to pay your new fees of $200/session (not true!).
Let yourself taste and savor the words that you want to receive. Of course, they are not words at all. They are a reflection of what the giver experienced. Let yourself know what it feels like to be valued.
When you receive the goodness of your efforts, you feel your SUBSTANCE.
From that place, you can do as super coach Tara Mohr says, you can PLAY BIG. You own your self-worth.
Which brings me to to the Interview Club. A key part of the Interview Club is getting feedback. When we meet this month, we will be paying extra attention to our impact on others. Participants will be reflecting back what they see, what they heard, the value that you bring, how you stood out and made a difference. You will get to stand in the front of the room and receive praise and appreciation. You will get bigger!