Paradise Coaching

For your brilliant career

Choosing to Open, or Close

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My heart says, there are so many things wrong with sheltering in place and social distancing. 

We are CLOSED IN. We are AVOIDING CONTACT. We DO NOT SEE EACH OTHER. We are in a PASSIVE mode, waiting for the storm to pass, the curve to flatten, the stores to re-open, the confusion to end, the calm, the chance to be together and hug. We cannot get FEEDBACK, or use all of our SENSES.

SO much energy is

CLOSED.
AVOIDING CONTACT.
NOT SEEING EACH OTHER.
LOOKING AWAY.
PASSIVE.

All signs say CLOSED. Doors shut. Hurry home.

Shut down, closed for business, stay inside, protect yourself, look away, cover your face, keep your distance, limit contact.

TO SURVIVE, WE ALSO NEED TO BE OPEN! It’s not a small thing to say that we need connection. We need to SEE and BE SEEN. We need to SENSE and BE FELT. We need to be able to communicate on several levels: what people say and how they say it. We need to feel their energy, sense their body language, notice their breath. We need to know that we have been heard. And we need feedback. So that we can get closer and connect, so that we can befriend, so that we can work together, so that we can know that our words and ideas have landed.

But now we are moving away from, looking away from, feeling the energy of closed, shut, avoid, withdraw, protect, defend.  

Today I wrote in my journal: What is missing? Feedback! We can’t see up close, feel into, hold physical space. Not the way we used to. How do people make friends now? How do we argue? What happens when someone disappears or feels disappointed? I fear that someone is withdrawing. Is that true? I feel left out. Is that my own story? How do we know what’s really happening in a relationship? Why didn’t they respond? But with a change in the world, with the fear of contaminating and killing each other, how do we stay friends and get closer? How do we connect well through a flat screen while speaking from a box? How do we make new connections? 

It’s different to make contact through a screen. It’s harder to feel and know we have been seen and heard and felt.

With everything telling us to STAY IN to be SAFE, we have to find our way to CHOOSING OUR CLOSINGS AND OUR OPENINGS. We did not choose to go inside. We were ordered to be here. Yes, sheltering in place is an imperative. There may be other imperatives as well: relating, connecting, making friends, establishing new relationships, getting visible, getting feedback, getting a new job or a new client or a new skill. 

Despite being more inward then ever, we must attend to getting outside of our avoidant, protective, sheltered, withdrawn, passive selves. (That sounds harsh and it is, especially when so much depends on going and staying in.)

Here’s the thing. We have to take charge of deciding WHEN AND HOW TO BE OPEN, WHEN AND HOW TO BE CLOSED. We have to affirm what we want to open and close to. And then we have to take action.

Putting aside the essential actions that keep you safe, you have an amazing opportunity to CHOOSE what you move toward. and what you move away from!

As you read this, remember that you don’t have to open with a burst. You can be a mole popping your head out and deciding whether it’s safe to go further. You can dip a toe into the water. You can write one email to a friend. You can make a list of old college mates you’re curious about. You could write down the types of jobs that interest you. You could look up one class or read about interviewing or networking. You don’t have to dive in. 

You can stay safe and be more open. You can stay safe and know what you want to close to. which is more than the virus.

You can decide to GET ACTIVE instead of retreating. Knowing you have the agency. Knowing you can choose and choosing. Choosing Closed. Choosing Open. Choosing how much and when and how and who.

In my Monday morning client group, I asked people to write down what they are closing to and what they are opening to. It was not surprising to hear people talk about closing the door to bad bosses and toxic workplaces, to long commutes and 24/7 jobs. It was refreshing to hear people affirm what they CHOOSE TO CLOSE TO, Saying no to what is not good and healthy and sustainable for them.

Then we turned to OPENINGS: contract jobs, outreach, building confidence, part-time jobs, networking. Opening to being vulnerable and trying new things. Like a cold call! Like finding happiness at work. Trusting the process.

Choosing to open and choosing to close, these are important freedoms especially now when we can feel limited and constrained.

Choosing to open or close affects our posture and sense of possibility. Whether it’s making friends or asking for help, looking for a job or enrolling clients, building a business or assuaging fear and anxiety, we have the capacity to soften and look outside ourselves and our homes to SEE what and who is there. Right now, it’s up to us to intentionally and inventively reach out and make contact. Only now it can feel a lot harder to find who and what we’re looking for. Not only because we are barraged with information and social media but also because we have to rely on the internet and pro-active outreach to MAKE CONTACT.

For today, consider whether you’re a mole or a lotus flower, peaking out to see if its safe, or opening your petals a bit more widely. Maybe you are a ray of sun warming up a conversation with someone. Take the idea of opening into your body and your sense and your imagination. Feel into your spirit of opening and see where it takes you. And when you close, notice how that feels too.

We are all learners in the adventure of sheltering in, reaching out and making connections, lasting connections. Let’s feel into this process together.