When I talk, are you listening? Are you present? Are you tuning into what I am saying and how I am saying it… body language and eye contact and tone of voice?
Be honest! Because in spring 2020, it’s likely that you are not fully paying attention. You’re behind a screen or a device, you could be distracted by your own image on zoom, your heart and mind may be elsewhere. Nervous, anxious, confused, disengaged.
Disconnected.
When you’re not fully present, you’re not likely to connect, develop relationships, or earn someone’s trust. Whether you are interviewing or networking or meeting with co-workers or your boss, it’s a two-way street.
Is anyone listening? How are they listening??
If you want to have healthy, constructive relationships that last, you have to pay attention. You have to communicate that you have been listening. You can’t just listen to yourself speak.
You know it works both ways. You have to feed my ego: When I know that you have been listening to me, I am more likely to pay attention and listen to you!
There is one simple thing you can do that can change everything and improve your connection (and thatleads to getting hired or promoted, building rapport, making friends, getting referrals and more).
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT.
All us want to know that we have been heard. We want ACKNOWEDGMENT. When someone uses it, you can tell that you have been heard. It’s as simple as reflecting back what you heard. Oh, you really enjoy managing projects. You took initiative. You prefer to work autonomously. You love solving problems.
Mirroring back what you heard is not talking down-to someone. It’s showing that you heard what they said. It’s reinforcing what the person is doing and saying. Oddly enough, for the recipient it’s reassuring; we don’t listen to ourselves nor do we believe others really get what we are saying or see what we are doing!
Acknowledgment gets bumped up to another level when you listen to energy and emotion. You acknowledge by reflecting back what you SEE. You light up when you talk about leadership. You seem excited about opportunities to work independently. You sit up straighter when you talk about working with youth.
This second kind of acknowledgement can incorporate two things:
What the listener SEES. I see you light up. I notice your posture. I observe you taking notes to keep the group on track.
Telling someone what you SEE reinforces that you are paying attention.
What the listener FEELS. I sense your enthusiasm. I feel moved when you talk about creating a new application. I feel inspired when I hear about your leadership style.
As you work to be a better remote communicator, try these three prompts to build your skills. I see… I feel… I imagine.
Each is a way of communicating your experience, while not putting words or qualities or content on the other person’s experience. Learning to use these phrases helps the listener to tune in and connect more deeply to the speaker. The goal of this listening skill is to help both listener and speaker stay in their own experience while gaining insight about the impact of speaker on listener. (We don’t always have the impact we’re after, but that’s another blog post!).
When you speak about your experience of the listener, what you see and what you feel, you are creating connection. You are telling the other person both that you are present to them and you are sharing their impact on you. You are beginning to build rapport and establish trust. Because when you, the listener, owns your experience there is room for exchange. There is a feeling of safety. That’s how relationships grow, that’s how people make new connections, that’s how we get to know each other deeply, that’s how we will feel less removed while sheltering in place.
NEXT UP: APPRECIATION!
THREE LEVELS OF LISTENING
We listen to people on three levels. The first is for what they are saying. The second is their impact on us. The third is listening on a sensing level (intuitive).