I want to share a story that illustrates the power of feedback. Two of my clients met at recent Interview Club. Both had told accomplishment stories as part of the session. Later, when meeting with me individually, each reported the strengths they saw in the other along with ideas for jobs they thought would be a good fit. So, I connected them with the thought that they could learn from each other. The result was truly moving and helpful! One of the women gained insight about what a hiring manager would see in her (strengths, capabilities, job roles). She also heard that there was a tinge of bitterness left from her previous job. For the other woman came news that she was a natural mentor, that she was supportive, helpful, and challenging in a good way. She was moved to tears by this feedback.
For both people, the feedback was transformational and helpful and supportive. Even the hard feedback.
Feedback! It can really make a difference in self-esteem. It can open our eyes to what others experience.
I’ve got a love-hate relationship with feedback.
I love it when it’s great. I hate it when it challenges my identity. Or when it’s connected to rejection.
How about you?
In theory, we want to be open to hearing what others say, not quick to defend or deny.
In fact, it’s quite limiting when we don’t get feedback, when all we know is that we didn’t get a job or didn’t have a positive impact.
In truth, we fear that feedback will be critical and judgmental. We don’t trust that it will be constructive and kind.
Feedback is also love-hate because it may tell us things we don’t want to hear. I’m not talking about criticism. I’m referring to information that challenges us to change or grow. We don’t want to be told that we mumble, or that we need to speak up or soften our tone, that we are too aggressive or too shy. We can easily feel what’s outside our comfort zone or what pushes against how we were socialized.
We know that we could benefit from feedback, particularly when it comes to speaking and trying to communicate about ourselves. Interviewing, pitching, promoting, networking … these activities do not come easily or skillfully for most of us. In fact, despite our knowledge and experience, we have hardwired habits and hardwired beliefs. No, I can’t speak up! No, I can’t brag! No, I can’t show how smart I am. No, I’ll sound bossy or pushy or arrogant or …
Feedback means we might have to change and try out new things. Feedback means someone may touch sensitive places. Feedback can also be a constructive, caring vehicle for improving how we connect, cultivate and build relationships.
We need feedback!
Between interview coaching and public speaking, I’ve learned a lot about how to give and take feedback (and put it to use). Perhaps because I have such an aversion to feedback, I have become very skilled at giving good feedback, feedback that I believe others can hear and digest, feedback that people can put to use, and feedback that leads to better speaking, more connection, better interviewing, more confidence more ease and even job offers, With the Interview Club, I’ve been creating forums where people can get feedback. Forums that are safe. constructive. friendly. trustworthy.
What I know for sure about feedback is that it’s best when it’s:
Gentle. Make sure the speaker knows you care about them and their goals. Don’t just dive in and say what needs improving. Affirm what they did well. Acknowledge that it takes work to improve speaking or land a job. Use a friendly tone, not a corrective (or superior) tone.
Trusted. You have to be able to hear what you’re being told and that means trusting the source. I find that I can listen to someone when I know we’ve got a shared goal. For instance, the Interview Club is a place where everyone is working on interview skills and nearly everyone is in a job search. Shared goals, shared vulnerability.
It also helps when you aren’t competing against each other, but rather you know everyone is striving toward the same goals. Better interviewing skills. Landing a job. Better speaking skills. More ease and confidence around networking.
Sensory-based. Were you moved by my words? When did you notice that I was animated, sad, or soft spoken? When did I look you right in the eye? When did I have an uptick at the end of a sentence? Because speaking is about connection, it’s really constructive to hear about non-verbal communication, what landed for you and what you noticed in energy, gestures and tone. It’s important to give feedback with “I” statements so you, the feedback giver, own your experience.
Honest and heartfelt. What you say has to be genuine and sincere. Yes, giving feedback can be difficult. The giver needs to strive to speak from what is true for him/her, from his experience of the words. The giver needs to own: this is how I felt, this is what moved me, this is what I wanted more of or less of …
Balanced. You’ve heard about the feedback sandwich. It’s got to contain strengths and areas for improvement. It is best delivered beginning with strengths/positive comments and ending with something you really liked. Not all good, not all “room for improvement”. Rather, a sandwich that’s digestible so the receiver can take it in and work with it.
Constructive. Most of us do not want advice, but we do want to know what we can do to improve. Constructive feedback looks like: giving specific examples of what we want more of or an example of what can be done differently. Constructive means noting the phrases or gestures that conveyed bitterness or where you got lost in the story. Give the speaker something they can work with, something that’s manageable and bite-sized, a small step not a life change!
Gems and Qualities. At the Interview Club, I often ask people to note gems, meaning words or phrases that stood out, moments when the speaker was animated and energized. I ask listeners to state the qualities they see in the speaker. Courageous. Diligent. Bold. Inventive.
In turn, speakers are reminded of ways that they sparkle. If I know that people see my courage, I can carry that spirit with me when I speak. I can incorporate that quality into addressing the question of what I bring to a group. I know what distinguishes me. I know a value that others appreciate.
We all have gems and gifts. As someone wisely stated, some of us have not opened our package. We need feedback to help us see what’s inside and to put more sparkle and shine on what’s inside.
Give it a try. The next time you need to speak or interview, ask someone you trust how you affected them, ask for a gem. Take a breath and listen with open ears. You may find yourself growing a little taller and feeling more confident. You may also find an opening to sharpen your delivery.