I was an evaluator recently in a speech contest. The speaker was articulate and well rehearsed. She was witty and funny. She had choreographed her speech tuning up her body language and voice to augment her stories. She was easy to listen to, warm, smiling (but not over-doing it), and interesting.
As I assessed both the content and delivery of her speech, something was niggling at me. It all felt a bit too rehearsed. Yes, she had appropriate, varied gestures and vocal variety. She wasn’t stiff or exaggerated. But she didn’t feel natural. That combined with the perfection of her delivery had me scratching my head.
She wasn’t believable.
She seemed staged.
She actually seemed a little too perfect with her finely tuned movements and witty repartee.
I didn’t trust her. I didn’t think she was genuine.
Her lack of believability made her seem un-relatable.
She hadn’t connected with me. Her evaluator. Her audience.
Yes, public speaking is nerve wracking. And, it’s even more fretful in a contest. But, the most successful speakers are believable. We trust that they’re speaking from an authentic place. We don’t feel spoken at; rather we feel spoken to and invited in. Engaged. Enrolled. Enticed.
You hear people talk about the importance of being authentic when speaking or interviewing. I think that what we really look for is BELIEVABILITY. When listening to someone and assessing as we often do, we want to know the person. Our gut needs to know that the person is trustworthy, that what they’re saying is honest and genuine.
Genuine, not perfect.
In a speech contest or an interview, we expect people to be nervous. We expect them to be rehearsed. Our sensors are scanning for clues to help us soften and relax so that we can get to know and feel the speaker. That’s where connection happens.
Believability opens the door to trust. Believability opens our hearts to possible connection. Believability allows us to listen and consider a future relationship, whether as co-workers, friends, colleagues, clients, customers or partners.
At essence, nearly all of us are empaths. When we listen, we are listening with our whole selves. Our bodies and hearts are sensing in for believability.
If the speaker expresses softness and fluidity, we soften and are able to listen.
If the speaker sits or stands upright and confident, we grow taller and feel inspired and ready to learn.If they are delighted by what they share, we find ourselves smiling.If they show signs of humility through nervousness or shrugs, we warm to their vulnerability.
In contrast, if they are stiff, we hold our breath as well.If their smile feels forced or near-constant, we may feel our jaw tighten and hold.
If they slump back in the chair or look distracted turning away from the camera, we can feel defeated and disengage as well.
Our bodies and hearts reflect what we experience.
Try it out and see! The next time you’re in a conversation, especially on zoom (!), notice your body language, energy and facial expressions. See if you are mirroring the person you’re listening to. Then, check in and ask if you find the person believable and trustworthy. Are you matching what you see and feel?